Often times, I feel like my life is both going by too slow, and too fast. Like the constant pace of my life is off, if not by some personal metric than by the metric of life around me. Junior year has come and gone and the major landmarks of my life have either happened or are quickly approaching.
I'm almost 18, almost an adult and everything I do is a precursor to my future. From simple things like how I'm going to pay for my car, to life altering realities like what I'm going to do for work for the rest of my life. And as these things pile atop one another, each responsibility coming forward I think to myself is this how I'm going to live for the rest of my life? Is this sad reality of how I'm surviving, each mounting stress on the sluggishness of my existence a monument to my own irrelivence. In the grand scheme of the universe, I mean nothing. I will live and die without a testement to my name. And that thought is scary. It's damn earthshattering that my concieved notions of life, how my life is impactful are ultimately unimportant. I am a grain of sand in the wind. Salt to the earth.
And yet another year passed by, yet another year where I'm closer and closer to the real world, and it's undeniable that I'm scared. I'm young. I'm dumb. And I'm unsure of who I really am yet. And here I am expected to make choices that will hinder me financially for life. I am not ready. I'm not prepared. And yet here I am. Biding my time until I'm chained to debt, until I'm chained to a career I'll inevitably lose passion for, chained to a life of less grandeur than I dreamed when I was young.
I want to change the world. But I know I'm too young to know how. And when I'm old enough to try. It'll be too late.